I've begun a segment of life where something seems to have slipped into place.
I realized while I was working at the Crwys Pub serving bitters and lagers that I was truly happy.
I don't think any one instance in my life caused me these feelings of contentment, but they are still pulsing through my body.
Its brilliant.
My school does not produce any undue amount of stress since it is exactly what I want to be doing.
I am achieving my dream!
Working at my job right now is a true joy.
The people I work with are splendid and we all get along well.
My manager is the best manager any employee could ask for.

I think that the changing moment into this little paradise of joy happened when I ran into the reality that I do not have enough money to participate in all of the activities that my friends take part in.
At first I immediately jumped into a little sand pit of depression...understandable.
But then I went and saw a play: Sam Sheppard's 'A Lie of the Mind'
I then realized that I am only really in Wales to study and every other moment outside of school is a luxury.
Its all in the perspective, my friends, all in the perspective.
Good theatre does that.
It changes minds, alters emotions, creates certainty/uncertainty.
Certainty and uncertainty are two entities that are within each other.
No sane human can be certain of anything without realizing that they can soon become equally as uncertain.
My happiness comes from a realization that I am just a speck on the earth and that if I don't make the most of this life, no one else will.
So I will now continue through this life ready to indulge the sorrow and the happiness.
That is what I am supposed to do; that is what I owe to myself.

...and the question remains

Why must I feel such a strong desire to be in intimate company with men?

Today my heart is aflame with passion and desire.
Movie reels captured the images of two nights ago and replay them one thousand times over in my head.
The initial contact followed by the exchange of glances-
Such electricity enslaving my body as we danced.
Our bodies fuel for the energy of the room.
Radiation of sexual angst.
Our lips a conduit of channeled, focused life.
We share the next moments that pass.
Hand in hand we float through the room that has fallen blurry around his brilliant radiance.
He leads me, and I follow.
My heart, no longer a beating, throbbing organ in my chest,
But a pool soaking into the rest of my body-
To the tips of my fingers-
To the back of my neck-
Down my spine and into the legs that carry me closer and closer to this mystery I am captivated by.
Each time our lips meet, I grow dizzy in bliss.
But I hurt now.
Sitting here not knowing if he thinks about me as much as I do him.
My head spins in a blizzard of my memories of that night.
I can't help but think that I am just another kiss.